I Shall Be Me!

So I seriously think that it has been about a year since I last blogged. I know that know one reads this and I normally write in my journal but I decided to do things a little different tonight.  So today marks the one and half year anniversary of my dads death. I was super busy at work today, so it kept my mind off things. Which it worked. I was actually watching a show on TV (a rerun) of a show that I watch all the time. In this show the mother of one of my favorite characters passed away from cancer. The whole episode was revolved around this. The mother has three daughters and has come home to say goodbye. Towards the end of the episode she dies, which you could see was coming. It still cried, thats what I do. They got this chance to say goodbye to there mother. I feel so ignorant about this. I mean I was at the hospital when my dad died. My family and I were all at the hospital for about three days. The doctors kept telling my mom, this is it! His time is about to be over here on this earth. During those times I refused to believe in the realization that the doctors were stupid and did not know what they were talking about. I was hoping for a miracle, which I did not get. Even to this day I still feel that he is here. My mom uses his cell phone, which still has his voice message on it. Every time I call and my mom does not answer, I always think that it is my dads answering. I start talking to him and then I realize that it is not really him. In a way I wish I would have known that October 19th was going to be the last day. I think about all the questions I want to ask my dad or the things that I wanted to say.  My dad was this completely different person before he had kids, and I do not know much about who he was. I want to know all those things. Once my mind starts thinking, it just keeps going. I also think about how my kids will never know who their grandpa was. And how they wont have a grandpa at all. Keadan has never met his father, so I do not see him ever being a part of our lives. I do know that I will teach my kids as much as I can about the person that I thought my dad was, I really looked up to him. 

This Saturday I am actually doing something in honor of my dad. This is something that I have wanted to do for a long time, and something that I want to continue to do for as long as I can. I, along with some folks that I really care about are participating in an event called Relay for Life. It is all about walking and celebrating the life of my dad, along with the others that have died because of this terrible terrible disease. I am really glad that my close friends are doing this event with me. I do not know how I would have made it through this past year and half without them. I have an amazing support system in my life. I really hope this event will go really well. I am putting a lot of my emotions into this and want it to go really well.  

Well that is all I have for now!

I like to make myself to believe..

Lets see ... What is going on with me?? Keadan and I have been talking a lot about what we are suppose to do with our lives. I have to say we are still clueless about it, is it like that with other people? Who knows! All I do know is that I wanna dance, that seems to be the only thing that makes me super happy. It's my own personal high in the way it makes me feel. I have really been wanting to go back my dance class which I have not been in so long. When we started dancing I realized how much I missed it. I was a little scared to go back thinking that I could not handle it anymore, or that I would not be good. It was not like that at all. I was a little rusty but it was like I never really left. It was awesome. Anyways since then I have been super pumped about doing something new with dance. Sooooo I have decided to audition for a dance team, which is next week. I am super anxious and excited about it. I feel like I have not done something for me in a long time. I feel that I have been taking care of other people and have not really focused on what I want. So i figure now is the time. So here I go........ Wish me luck!

look at us!

Well its been awhile.. So things have definitely been looking up, and it is all because of one person. I owe it all to Keadan.  I have been dealing with a lot of mix emotions about life all together. I have been struggling a lot with my dad's death. It has got me thinking about a lot. First Keadan and I have never been happier with our lives, we are so lucky to have each other. We have mainly been spending all our free time alone together, and it is something that I look forward to everyday. We are not doing anything extraordinary, just spending time with eachothers company. I could not ask for a better husband. I am not gona lie we have had our ups and downs these past three years. I finally feel that we are what we are suppose to be and the only way to go from here is forward. I love that feeling. For the first time Im not stressing about everything, bc i know that as long as I am with Keadan the world is perfect! It almost as if the rest of the world is not here! We had a little weekend getaway this weekend and It was nice, and something that we both needed. In the car ride there, was perfect the whole time in the car we just chatted away. I love it. We complete eachother!  I am extremely excited to see what is next for the two of us. 

The way I feel!

So it as been awhile since my last post, Ive been busy! First off I got a JOB, I am really liking it. It keeps me up moving around and busy, so that is what I need. I do not like sitting still. Also, I celebrated my 23rd birthday. I have to say that this birthday was different for me. Normally i get so excited that I can not sleep. (a lot like Christmas morning) Not this year, and for some reason I woke up feeling older which is totally gross to me. I did have a lot of fun with my friends surrounding me, which was a must for this year. I love my friends and would do anything for them. This was also the first birthday without my dad. I tried not to think about it that day but I just could not help it. When I opened my present from my mom, she told me that my dad picked that out for me. I wanted to cry, not because I was sad just because I miss him so much. Keadan did amazing this year.. he actually bought me a present, which was jewelry. I loved it! 

so on to the thoughts of what I wanted to blog about.... Normally I write these things in my journal but this time I think Ill share with the world about some inner thoughts that I have been having.

I have been listening to my Ipod a lot because it helps me not loss my mind in this crazy world. It never fails to amaze me that I find a song randomly about the way I feel. It is usually a song that I have never heard before. There is this song by Our Lady Peace called somewhere out there. I like listening to it because it makes me think of my dad and how I think of him as a star that I can not see. and that maybe just maybe that he is watching over me. Check out that song! Anyways, I was listen to that and stumbled upon another song by them. This song is called innocent. 

This is the verse that I like::

Oh, Tina’s losing faith in what she knows
Hates her music 
Hates all of her clothes
Thinks of surgery
And a new nose
Every calorie is a war
While she wishes she 
Was a dancer
And that she'd never 
Heard of cancer
She wishes God would give her
Some answers
And make her feel beautiful

This is the Chorus:

I remember feeling low
I remember losing hope
I remember all the feelings
And the day they stopped
We are, 
We are all innocent, we are all innocent
We are, we are, we are
We are all innocent, we are all innocent
We are, we are 

I like this song because It makes me think of how innocent I use to be. I am not talking about the little girl that never did anything wrong. I am talking about how when your young and you have no care in the world. You have no idea of hurt, malice, pain, suffering, depression, despair....I think you get the point. This song really got me thinking of how great that use to be. I am not regretting anything in life, I have just come to the realization that I will never be that same again. I do not understand why cancer has to be such a destruction. Even though my dad is gone, his cancer is still affecting others, and it is not just me. I see it in my mom and my sister. Keadan too, mainly because of me. Cancer is just a plaque. So I am starting to ramble off topic, which I do a lot in my journal. Anyways my point is that I miss that innocence that I use to have about the world, over the past year or so that has completely changed. 

The song also goes on to say:

One day
You'll have to let it go,
Oh
One day 
You'll stand up on your own, you'll stand up on your own
I know that I need to be strong and move past this but it is so hard sometimes. I am taking it one day at a time and didnt never seems to get easier. People that I have talked to have given me some good advice but it is hard for them to relate to me. I think what hurts the most is remembering my dad telling me that he was not ready to go! and that there is so much that he still wants to do in this world. Which I dont see why he would want to stay in this heartbreaken place. It has a lot of pain in it. Again rambling off topic! Yesterday was my dads birthday and it was the first one since he has been gone. I think that I handled it a lot different than I thought. I do think that God was with me all day protecting me, which it was awesome to feel him with me bc I do not always feel that way. I have been questioning him so much lately, that it was reassuring that he loves his children no matter what. I think that I felt numb most of the day, which was not allowing me to feel how I really felt inside.

The song continues to say:

Yeah
Remember losing hope, 
Remember feeling low, 
Remember all the feelings and the day they stopped

I am always going to remember the day that my feelings stop. Which is true I have no feelings. I am numb to a lot of things these days. Even with good times I feel numb, I feel like Im acting to make everyone happy all the time. Which I hate! But it is the truth.

So that is the song of the moment. I know that it will eventually change but hey whatever helps me through the day. This song helps me to put things into words, cuz  I stink at that kinda stuff and explaining the way I feel. I know that things will get easier but for now............

Life Continues On...........

This past weekend Keadan and I went to Pine Cove with the new church that we have been going to. I am so glad that we decided to go, we have been debating to fully commit to a church and this did it. I love meeting new people even though I get completely nervous about it. I turn into a complete girl about it..."Will they like me, should I say this or that...etc." I really did not think these things with them. All the girls I stayed with were amazing! They were nice and not judgmental at all. It was a blasty blast. It almost felt like I had none them for a long time and we were just hanging out together. 

Saturday night we had a camp fire with the nine of us and talked about some cool eye opening things. Normally when I am in a group of people I get scared to talk, mainly because I slur my words and say things weird. But I think I did just fine, mainly because it was dark and no one could see me. (Haha) We started talking about testimonies and wether or not people should share them to others. It boiled down to Yes! Which I agree, but...I do think that people should tell their testimony when they are ready. At least that is what I want to do. I have given my testimony twice since I have become a christian. I think both times I was overwhelmed and I do not think that I was ready. I know that my story will keep being created but I do not think that I have the right words to share just yet. I know that it is getting there but it is not what I want yet. I think that the reason we tell our testimonies is because we are trying to witness to others but also to share our walk with other Christians. I think that is helps with the realization that others have dealt with the same internal battles. Which here lately I have dealt with many. Anyways it was a good talk between all of us!

This is going a little further back with my internal battles. I have really been missing my dad lately and not even 4 months after he passed away, my grandpa died also from cancer. I had to relive everything that happened in October. I have been dealing my Christian faith because of this. I was searching for an answer, which I have yet to find. The good news is that I am not angry anymore of these things that have happened, which I feel so great about. I was struggling with it a lot! Some days I could not even get out of bed. So I feel that I am taking it one step at a time!!!

Do Dreams come true?

Ok so this has been a crazy time. Tomorrow will mark the 4 months that my dad passed away. I still do not believe that he is really gone! Last week was a long week! My grandpa passed away on tuesday and the funeral was Friday. It was not something that I expected, which I do not know if you ever know what to expect. During the funeral, there was a video (which I was not asked to do) anyways... the last song during the video was of my dad singing. It made me really upset, plus no one warned us so I was not expecting that. Also no one spoke to us. (Me, my mom, sis, keadan and kevin) I mean no one spoke to us, we were completely outcast for some reason. It was really strange. I just do not understand people sometimes. 

  Last night while I was sleeping I had some crazy dreams! The first one I was kidnaped and I woke up completely scared. I just clung to Keadan and did not let go. Once I feel asleep I had another dream that I was being chased and then beat up. The weird thing in that was that it was the members of KISS! Anyways I was saved by my dad, and all this happened on my sisters wedding day. I looked up what my first dream meant online. What I found was that normally when a person dreams about being kidnapped it means that there fear is coming out in their dream. It also said that when someone is going through major changes in ones life and is completely stressed out.  I get all that. I have been completely scared all day long, I do not even want to take oki out to the bathroom. Keadan is at work too, so it makes me even more scared! 

So last weekend was V-day and it was awesome. I have been dealing with so much, it was nice to just put everything on hold and be with my hubby! We went out dancing, it was so much fun! It was a perfect night. I love my hubby!!

Well that has been life lately! I am currently looking for a job and that is frustrating! And for some reason I really want a sandwich!

Wondering???

It has been a long long several months! I can not even begin to explain the emotions I have been having. I have had to many thoughts running through my head that a friend suggested that I write a novel about everything in my life. I just laughed! It did getting me thinking about writing some of the things down. So since then I have been keeping a journal. It helps a lot to get my thoughts out of my mind. I feel like sometimes when I talk, no one listen so it just lingers back to me. This way it is out and I do not have to look at it if I do not want to. I would just type a lot of it out, but some of my thoughts do not need to be read by certain eyes, so I will leave that to myself. 

However I have been struggling a lot with the death of my Father!!! It will be two months on December 19th. I  was on his computer the other day and found a picture of him about a month before he was in the hospital for the last time. I can not get that picture out of my head. It did not look like him at all. He was so so so sick and in a lot of pain. I never thought that I would be 22 years old and have to talk to my dad in spirit. He was only 46 years old, he didnt even get a really long life. I see the relationships my friends have with their dads and I am so jealous. Keadan had a hard time too, right when it happened. Keadan grew up without a dad, so my dad was his only dad that he ever knew. He told me that he was looking forward to having a dad. In heart he will always have my dad, but he will not have the experiences that we could have all had together.

For a long while I was extremely anger about my dad being gone. I think that I have come to terms with the fact that if God did not want him in heaven he would still be here with all of us.

This poem really helps when I am doubting my own thoughts...............

God saw you were getting tired

And it was not meant to be,

So he put his arms around you 

And whispered,''come to me''.

With tearful eyes we watched you

And saw you pass away,

Although we loved you dearly

We could not make you stay.

A golden heart stopped beating

Hard working hands at rest

God broke our hearts to prove to us

He only takes the best

So that has totally been my life lately.

I can not believe that Christmas is just around the corner! We are on a limited budget this year but I know that we will make the best of it!

Well until next time...................................