I Shall Be Me!

So I seriously think that it has been about a year since I last blogged. I know that know one reads this and I normally write in my journal but I decided to do things a little different tonight.  So today marks the one and half year anniversary of my dads death. I was super busy at work today, so it kept my mind off things. Which it worked. I was actually watching a show on TV (a rerun) of a show that I watch all the time. In this show the mother of one of my favorite characters passed away from cancer. The whole episode was revolved around this. The mother has three daughters and has come home to say goodbye. Towards the end of the episode she dies, which you could see was coming. It still cried, thats what I do. They got this chance to say goodbye to there mother. I feel so ignorant about this. I mean I was at the hospital when my dad died. My family and I were all at the hospital for about three days. The doctors kept telling my mom, this is it! His time is about to be over here on this earth. During those times I refused to believe in the realization that the doctors were stupid and did not know what they were talking about. I was hoping for a miracle, which I did not get. Even to this day I still feel that he is here. My mom uses his cell phone, which still has his voice message on it. Every time I call and my mom does not answer, I always think that it is my dads answering. I start talking to him and then I realize that it is not really him. In a way I wish I would have known that October 19th was going to be the last day. I think about all the questions I want to ask my dad or the things that I wanted to say.  My dad was this completely different person before he had kids, and I do not know much about who he was. I want to know all those things. Once my mind starts thinking, it just keeps going. I also think about how my kids will never know who their grandpa was. And how they wont have a grandpa at all. Keadan has never met his father, so I do not see him ever being a part of our lives. I do know that I will teach my kids as much as I can about the person that I thought my dad was, I really looked up to him. 

This Saturday I am actually doing something in honor of my dad. This is something that I have wanted to do for a long time, and something that I want to continue to do for as long as I can. I, along with some folks that I really care about are participating in an event called Relay for Life. It is all about walking and celebrating the life of my dad, along with the others that have died because of this terrible terrible disease. I am really glad that my close friends are doing this event with me. I do not know how I would have made it through this past year and half without them. I have an amazing support system in my life. I really hope this event will go really well. I am putting a lot of my emotions into this and want it to go really well.  

Well that is all I have for now!