The way I feel!

So it as been awhile since my last post, Ive been busy! First off I got a JOB, I am really liking it. It keeps me up moving around and busy, so that is what I need. I do not like sitting still. Also, I celebrated my 23rd birthday. I have to say that this birthday was different for me. Normally i get so excited that I can not sleep. (a lot like Christmas morning) Not this year, and for some reason I woke up feeling older which is totally gross to me. I did have a lot of fun with my friends surrounding me, which was a must for this year. I love my friends and would do anything for them. This was also the first birthday without my dad. I tried not to think about it that day but I just could not help it. When I opened my present from my mom, she told me that my dad picked that out for me. I wanted to cry, not because I was sad just because I miss him so much. Keadan did amazing this year.. he actually bought me a present, which was jewelry. I loved it! 

so on to the thoughts of what I wanted to blog about.... Normally I write these things in my journal but this time I think Ill share with the world about some inner thoughts that I have been having.

I have been listening to my Ipod a lot because it helps me not loss my mind in this crazy world. It never fails to amaze me that I find a song randomly about the way I feel. It is usually a song that I have never heard before. There is this song by Our Lady Peace called somewhere out there. I like listening to it because it makes me think of my dad and how I think of him as a star that I can not see. and that maybe just maybe that he is watching over me. Check out that song! Anyways, I was listen to that and stumbled upon another song by them. This song is called innocent. 

This is the verse that I like::

Oh, Tina’s losing faith in what she knows
Hates her music 
Hates all of her clothes
Thinks of surgery
And a new nose
Every calorie is a war
While she wishes she 
Was a dancer
And that she'd never 
Heard of cancer
She wishes God would give her
Some answers
And make her feel beautiful

This is the Chorus:

I remember feeling low
I remember losing hope
I remember all the feelings
And the day they stopped
We are, 
We are all innocent, we are all innocent
We are, we are, we are
We are all innocent, we are all innocent
We are, we are 

I like this song because It makes me think of how innocent I use to be. I am not talking about the little girl that never did anything wrong. I am talking about how when your young and you have no care in the world. You have no idea of hurt, malice, pain, suffering, depression, despair....I think you get the point. This song really got me thinking of how great that use to be. I am not regretting anything in life, I have just come to the realization that I will never be that same again. I do not understand why cancer has to be such a destruction. Even though my dad is gone, his cancer is still affecting others, and it is not just me. I see it in my mom and my sister. Keadan too, mainly because of me. Cancer is just a plaque. So I am starting to ramble off topic, which I do a lot in my journal. Anyways my point is that I miss that innocence that I use to have about the world, over the past year or so that has completely changed. 

The song also goes on to say:

One day
You'll have to let it go,
Oh
One day 
You'll stand up on your own, you'll stand up on your own
I know that I need to be strong and move past this but it is so hard sometimes. I am taking it one day at a time and didnt never seems to get easier. People that I have talked to have given me some good advice but it is hard for them to relate to me. I think what hurts the most is remembering my dad telling me that he was not ready to go! and that there is so much that he still wants to do in this world. Which I dont see why he would want to stay in this heartbreaken place. It has a lot of pain in it. Again rambling off topic! Yesterday was my dads birthday and it was the first one since he has been gone. I think that I handled it a lot different than I thought. I do think that God was with me all day protecting me, which it was awesome to feel him with me bc I do not always feel that way. I have been questioning him so much lately, that it was reassuring that he loves his children no matter what. I think that I felt numb most of the day, which was not allowing me to feel how I really felt inside.

The song continues to say:

Yeah
Remember losing hope, 
Remember feeling low, 
Remember all the feelings and the day they stopped

I am always going to remember the day that my feelings stop. Which is true I have no feelings. I am numb to a lot of things these days. Even with good times I feel numb, I feel like Im acting to make everyone happy all the time. Which I hate! But it is the truth.

So that is the song of the moment. I know that it will eventually change but hey whatever helps me through the day. This song helps me to put things into words, cuz  I stink at that kinda stuff and explaining the way I feel. I know that things will get easier but for now............