Wondering???

It has been a long long several months! I can not even begin to explain the emotions I have been having. I have had to many thoughts running through my head that a friend suggested that I write a novel about everything in my life. I just laughed! It did getting me thinking about writing some of the things down. So since then I have been keeping a journal. It helps a lot to get my thoughts out of my mind. I feel like sometimes when I talk, no one listen so it just lingers back to me. This way it is out and I do not have to look at it if I do not want to. I would just type a lot of it out, but some of my thoughts do not need to be read by certain eyes, so I will leave that to myself. 

However I have been struggling a lot with the death of my Father!!! It will be two months on December 19th. I  was on his computer the other day and found a picture of him about a month before he was in the hospital for the last time. I can not get that picture out of my head. It did not look like him at all. He was so so so sick and in a lot of pain. I never thought that I would be 22 years old and have to talk to my dad in spirit. He was only 46 years old, he didnt even get a really long life. I see the relationships my friends have with their dads and I am so jealous. Keadan had a hard time too, right when it happened. Keadan grew up without a dad, so my dad was his only dad that he ever knew. He told me that he was looking forward to having a dad. In heart he will always have my dad, but he will not have the experiences that we could have all had together.

For a long while I was extremely anger about my dad being gone. I think that I have come to terms with the fact that if God did not want him in heaven he would still be here with all of us.

This poem really helps when I am doubting my own thoughts...............

God saw you were getting tired

And it was not meant to be,

So he put his arms around you 

And whispered,''come to me''.

With tearful eyes we watched you

And saw you pass away,

Although we loved you dearly

We could not make you stay.

A golden heart stopped beating

Hard working hands at rest

God broke our hearts to prove to us

He only takes the best

So that has totally been my life lately.

I can not believe that Christmas is just around the corner! We are on a limited budget this year but I know that we will make the best of it!

Well until next time...................................